WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE — AT SHEETZ

January 18, 2022– I stopped at Sheetz — parked in the handicap spot right at the front door, and limped in to get a couple of items. It didn’t take long, and pretty soon, my sidekick and I were back in the car. I was fooling with my phone when a man walked toward the store’s front door, right in front of my car. Like many of our rural neighbors, he wore a baseball cap, a tan Carhart-type coat, and I think he had on jeans — you’ll know why I don’t remember for sure in a minute. No camouflage, so he may have been working rather than hunting today. His face looked pink from the cold, so I think he has a fair complexion — but it all happened so fast, I’m not really sure. I have the impression that a pickup truck drove past the back of my car, and the occupants may have hollered a greeting at him– I suppose he is one of their buddies.

So, in reply, this fella — an adult, not a teenager — turned around, pulled his britches down, and exposed his bare buttocks and crack from A to Z, for me and all the world to see. Yep. Not a sliver, not a crescent, not a half — a full-blown moon. Nekkid as a jaybird from waist to thighs. On the front sidewalk at Sheetz. At 3:45 in the afternoon. Broad daylight. Parking lot and gas pumps well-populated. I had the dubious distinction of being the closest viewer to the Man Who Showed His A**. Some things you just can’t unsee.

Now, I’m as good-natured as the next seventies-survivor about mooning stories. We’ve all heard ’em, and I’m not going to get my panties in a wad about hunting buddies mooning each other around a campfire. Heck, my 90-year-old mama loved to joke about privately mooning the sleep-study people who wouldn’t answer her call bell. (She never ruined a good story with facts.) But something about this stepped right over the line from a semi-private prank among equals to a very public and extremely crass case of indecent exposure.

My driver’s side window was down, so as the guy pulled his britches up and re-covered the family jewels, I called out the window. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!” He answered, but I have no idea what he said, and as he walked into Sheetz, I continued. “It’s ILLEGAL.”I wanted to jump up and run after him, but because of my fractured knee, I move very slowly. Thinking about it further, I was sure I didn’t want to confront a pervert. And really, if he pulled down his pants outside in this cold weather, what else might he be taking off inside the store? I looked around to see if any deputies were in the parking lot, but didn’t see any. I wished my former-police-chief-BFF were here — she’d have handled this with pink handcuffs once worn by a team of naked football players. I had no idea who this guy was, or how to identify him.

And then, I remembered — every Sheetz property has about 28 cameras trained on everything that moves. This *ss-hat’s crack will be visible in living color on multiple cameras. He’ll be the, uh, butt of a hundred jokes by security and law enforcement personnel who’ll be able to inspect his personal hygiene via slo-mo and zoom lens. Heck, they’ll be able to read the label on his Fruit-of-the-Looms and probably tell you when they were last laundered.We all know that mooning is a popular pastime in certain situations, often involving adolescents and alcohol. Yeah, late at night, in semi-private settings — we’ve heard the stories, and laugh. I came of-age when streaking was a favorite college pastime. So, at first, I, uh, cracked up a bit. And then, I realized this was not funny. At this time of day, the store is filled with moms and kids stopping for treats & gasoline after school. This is not the time nor place to expose your nekkid nether-regions. This is not a prank among equals. Not a ‘boys-will-be-boys’ moment.T

Think for a minute. Seconds after friends drive by, a guy drops his drawers IN PUBLIC, at the front door of a busy convenience store, just seconds away from elementary and junior high schools. He didn’t hesitate. He performed this practiced little move twelve feet from a woman old enough to be his mother and a six-year-old child, in our direct sight-line. Several vehicles at gas pumps were aimed right at him. I have no idea who else, if anyone, saw this happen. He didn’t even have to unbuckle his belt to expose his rear, just pulled his pants down. And who might have been on the other side of him, seeing his frontal privates in all their glory? What kind of man is so comfortable showing his tail that he does it on the spur of the moment in one of the busiest places in the county? Not a rookie. I’m not an expert — not a psychiatrist, but it hit me — HE’S DONE THIS BEFORE. Then — WHAT ELSE MIGHT HE DO? Escalation among predators is real.

Honestly, if I wanted to see a strange man’s hairy hiney, it wouldn’t be at Sheetz on Tuesday afternoon. As I told my sons, I can count the men’s bare backsides I’ve seen up close on one hand — three are theirs, and the other is their dad’s. If there was to be a Number Five, I’d prefer it to be that of someone world-class. I really didn’t want to see the dirty rear-end of an alleged escalating pervert, not today nor any day.

So — Sheetz has him on video. Law enforcement has been notified. I have no idea who this guy is — I hope he’s from another county, not from around here where we know better. I’d like for law enforcement to talk to him, and teach him what his mama forgot to. I’d like for them to do a psychological assessment. I’d like for Sheetz to talk to him to exact a promise of decent behavior, or bar him for life from their stores. Do I want him to have any legal punishment? Probably not. Perhaps it was just one of those stupid moments common to all. Maybe drugs or alcohol had impaired his judgment. I hope somebody finds out. Regardless, he needs a coach to remind him, “Show your class, buddy, not your A##.”

As I said, I have no idea who he is, and I hate to think he might be one of my former students. He can probably identify my car. However, I can definitely identify him. I’m sure I could pick him out of a lineup. But I couldn’t help but joke with the dispatcher. “I may not remember the face, but I’ll never forget those cheeks!”

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STATUTE FROM VIRGINIA CODE: § 18.2-387. “Indecent exposure.Every person who intentionally makes an obscene display or exposure of his person, or the private parts thereof, in any public place, or in any place where others are present, or procures another to so expose himself, shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor. No person shall be deemed to be in violation of this section for breastfeeding a child in any public place or any place where others are present.”