I tried several times to enroll in online access to “My Social Security,” now that I’m old enough to be decrepit,  but the site kept telling me that they cannot create an account for my social security number.  Mind you, this is not for enrolling in SS, or receiving any money or benefits — simply to get online access to what is touted as MY records.  So I called the Help Desk. And believe it or not, the nice lady told me that for some unknown reason, the US Government has been unable to establish my identity through EQUIFAX — the credit reporting agency, even though I provided her with my name, birth date, place of birth, mother’s maiden name, and could have added blood sugar readings, dental records, fingerprints, DNA profile and genealogy chart going back to a dadburn Plantagenet King of England. Plus I answered all the financial questions like “NO, I HAVE NEVER FILED BANKRUPTCY,” which has nothing to do with social security.

Now, last time I looked, Equifax was not a government agency, so I ask you — what the HECK does Equifax —  have to do with confirming my identity, and why would the government take Equifax’s word over mine as to who I am?? So, I will have to go into a Social Security office with my numerous government-issued ID cards (driver’s license, passport, and passport card) to be issued a CODE which will allow me to sign up online.

But oh, I was able to sign up online for Medicare through SSA — the same people, y’all — but that didn’t require an Equifax proctology exam. Next think you know, they’ll want the serial number off my bionic hip.

This, folks. Big Brother at its most ridiculous.